Hawkfrost Narrates Twilight
by Warriorcat890
Summary: Hawkfrost is narrating the first book of the Twilight Saga to earn money to be a nuclear missile to shoot at StarClan when he get sucked into the book! Forced to tag along with Bella and Edward, he screws up the whole storyline! A spoof and crossover.
1. The Beginning

Hawkfrost: *clears throat* My name is Hawkfrost and I will be narrating Twilight today.

Mapleshade (who sits outside the theater working the sound): Whatever Hawky, let's just get this boring teenage romance over with. I haven't been a teenager in years, and I don't wish to be reminded of it.

Hawkfrost: *rolls eyes* 'I'd never given much thought to how I would die—though I'd had reason enough in the past few months—but even if I had, I would not have imagined it like this—' what the StarClan is this?

Mapleshade: A teenage romance novel.

Hawkfrost: I thought Twilight was about vampire not some emo chick writing in a diary. I mean, I have all respect to them and all *cough* was one *cough* but still, no one wants to read this.

Mapleshade: Well, apparently people do. Look we're using your voice to get paid so we could buy that nuclear missile to shoot at StarClan. I want my money, and that missile so hurry up!

Hawkfrost: *mutters under breath* Fine. 'I'd never given much thought to how I would die—though I'd had reason enough in the past few months—but even if I had, I would not have imagined it like this.'

*The wind begins to swirl around him and suddenly Hawkfrost is standing in a high school trying to avoid getting trampled by students*

Hawkfrost: GAH! MAPLESHADE! WHERE ARE YOU?

Edward: *stops and looks at Hawkfrost* What are you doing here little kitty… You look so… delicious. *mouth begins to water*

Hawkfrost: *stares up at him and gulps* Um… Don't you have some human girl to stalk?

Edward: *remembers and stands up from hovering over Hawkfrost* Oh yeah, I do. Thanks… cat. *walks off to find Bella*

Hawkfrost: I heard that the Twilight Saga was, quote: "A spellbinding romantic epic that has entranced millions" not a stupid children's novel.

Narrator: But you are from a children's series dear Hawkfrost.

Hawkfrost: *hisses and neck fur rises. He looks around for whoever made the sound* Who said that?

Narrator: Me, now run along Hawky. You're going to be late for Biology class.

Hawkfrost: Biology-what?

* * *

A/N: Well this is part 1. :D R & R please. THis is a spoof. :D


	2. Biology

I do not own Warriors or Twilight!

* * *

*Later in Biology*

Hawkfrost: *walks in and sees this brunette sitting next to Edward he pads over and jumps on the desk. The girl looks at him and smiles*

Bella: *pets Hawkfrost's head* Hey little guy, what are you doing.

Hawkfrost: *gasps* Ugh! Don't touch me you filthy Twoleg! I have no idea where your hands have been!

Bella: *stares at him* You can talk!

Hawkfrost: *rolls eyes* Yes, thanks Nancy Drew I didn't know that.

Bella: *glares* Smart-aleck

Edward: I know someone named Alec

*Hawkfrost and Bella both look at him*

Hawkfrost: Seriously, who are you?

Edward: My name is Edward Cullen *wiggles his eyebrows*

Bella: *stares at Edward and sighs dreamily*

Hawkfrost: *rolls eyes* You think that's cool? What's your You-tube name? Paramorefan21?

Edward: *looks around in shock* How did you know?! I thought I was the only one who could read minds!

Hawkfrost: *stares* Wow. I was joking… That's just disturbing.

Edward: *returns his attention to Bella. He stares at her in a creepy way, then leans away again*

Bella: *sniffs her armpit to see if she smells*

Hawkfrost: Ew! Girl, put your arm down! You trying to suffocate me?! *stumbles away from her toward Edward* I need a gas mask just for your stink! I thought wolves only stunk in these books… Oh wait, these entire books stink!

Edward: *confused* Books? What are you talking about.

Hawkfrost: *sits down, neck fur bristling* I thought you were taking like a vow of solitude and virtue Cullet.

Edward: It's Cullen, and no… Her smell is killing me.

Hawkfrost: Join the freaking club… *mutters* I swear it on StarClan if I ever see Mapleshade or that darn recording company manager again I'll claw their faces off!

Bella: *stares at Hawkfrost* You're so bad… I like that.

Hawkfrost: *looks at her and backs away* What is wrong with you? I'm dead! AND A CAT!

Edward: *watches Bella, then glares at Hawkfrost* Can't you get your own movie?

Hawkfrost: *sigh* I wish, but the Hunters won't agree to one. What company made this? I'll be sure to tell them never to choose it.

* * *

Part 2. I know I haven't updated in a while. Sorry. Please R & R!


	3. Dreams

*that night at Bella's house*

Hawkfrost: *looks at sky* Hey, friendly narrator who took my job, why do I have to stay with this stupid girl?

Narrator: Because Hawkfrost, you are a fictional character from a series called Warriors. The girl you are with his Bella, a fictional character, and the main character from a series called the Twilight Saga.

Hawkfrost: What are you talking about you crazy voice from the sky!? I'm not from Warriors I am a warrior! Wait, is this StarClan playing another prank on me?! It's not funny Ashfur! I helped you for crying out loud!

Narrator: *chuckles so the ground shakes*

Hawkfrost: *hisses* Stop that you mange-pelt!

Narrator: Oh, Hawkfrost! Don't you understand? There is no StarClan, and there is no Dark Forest. And for your information, I do not have a pelt, and if it did, it would not contain mange. Work on better jokes.

Hawkfrost: *rolls eyes* Everybody's a critic and it wasn't even a joke it was a come-back.

Bella: *watches Hawkfrost have a conversation with the ceiling* You must be the only cat in the world who has a complete conversation with a ceiling.

Hawkfrost: *sighs and paws at his face* Shut up you inarticulate bum.

Bella: *giggles* You're funny when you talk. It's weird a cat knows words that I don't.

Hawkfrost: *face paw* Why don't you go nappy-poo?

Bella: *glares* I'm not five

Hawkfrost: Well you sure do act like it sweetie.

*Bella gets in bed and falls asleep. Hawkfrost curls up in her rocking chair nearby. Halfway through the night, the window creaks*

Hawkfrost: *jumps up, hissing* I swear to God, Ashfur this is not funny!

Bella: *groans and rolls over in her sleep* Edward…

Hawkfrost: *face paws* Why? Why me? Why did I have to get trapped in this mess?! I already live in the Dark Forest! I don't need to be stuck in a teenage romance thriller!

Edward: *jumps in the window* Hey kitty.

Hawkfrost: *sees him and growls* For your information, my name is Hawkfrost.

Edward: *laughs quietly* Hawkfrost? What kind of a name is that?

Hawkfrost: What kind of a name is Edward?

Edward: *shrugs* touché. *watches Bella* I think I love her.

Hawkfrost: *looks at him* Really? Wow, I never would have guessed that.

Edward: *sighs* I don't know how long it will last, though.

Hawkfrost: Only long enough to make four books, five movies, two graphic novels, one novella, and one field guide.

Edward: *stares at him* Ooookaaayyy….. Moving swiftly on…

Bella: *moans* Oh, Edward.

Edward: *looks at Bella* I'm here, Bella.

Hawkfrost: *hisses* Shut up you stupid vampire! She'll wake up! I don't want to deal with this 'cute kitty-cat!' 'does the kitty want a bow in his fur?' No I do NOT want a bow in my hair Miss Mary Sue!

Bella: *opens her eyes and sits up* Edward?

Edward: *growls* Oh crap! *jumps out the window*

Bella: *looks away as he jumps out the window and flips the lights on* What? I swore I heard Edward…

Hawkfrost: *shakes his head, annoyed*

* * *

Another part! :D


	4. Edible Art

*at school the next day*

Bella: *stands in the lunch room arranging her food*

Hawkfrost: *growls* Wow, don't you have anything to do than arrange your food?

Edward: *seemingly appears out of nowhere* Edible art?

Hawkfrost: *hisses and looks at Edward* What would you know about food you leech?

Bella: *gasps and the apple falls to the floor*

Edward: *kicks the apple back up and holds it in his hands* Pretty cool huh?

Hawkfrost: *glares* Why don't you act like my mother and disappear?

Edward: *looks at him weird*

Bella: *looks at him with and sighs romantically* That was so cool…

Hawkfrost: *face paws* Kill me… Kill me now… Kill my spirit and end my suffering!

Edward: *smirks at Bella and moves closer, shoving Hawkfrost off the counter*

Hawkfrost: *yowls* You mouse-brained—*says more bad words and tries to claw Edward's ankle but his claws break*

Bella: *gasps* You hurt the kitty! *picks Hawkfrost up*

Hawkfrost: *yowls* Let go of me you filthy, Twoleg!

Bella: *glares at Edward* How DARE YOU HURT THE KITTY?!

Edward: *glared at Hawkfrost* Bella, what if I'm not the hero… What if I'm the bad guy?

Hawkfrost: *suddenly perks up* Bad guy? Now we're talkin'!

Bella: *rolls eyes* What is that supposed to mean you kitty hurter?

Edward: *sighs* It means that if you were smart, you'd stay away from me.

Bella: Well let's pretend for argument's sake that I'm not smart.

Hawkfrost: We don't have to pretend, sweetie.

Edward: *opens his mouth to say something than turns away*

Hawkfrost: Oh yeah, you think you're being cool by walking away from a conversation, but it's just rude and stupid.

Bella: *pets Hawkfrost's head* You're so adorable. I think he must hate animals…

Hawkfrost: I don't know about that but I do know one inarticulate brunette that I hate.

Bella: *laughs* See? You're so funny! Why would he want to hurt you?

Hawkfrost: *mutters* I know who I wanna hurt.

* * *

There is more coming! Please continue to review!


	5. Teenage Girl Syndrome

*later that day*

Jessica: Hey, Bella you wanna go to Port Angeles with us next weekend? It'll be like so totally cool.

Angela: Totally

Jessica: Totally, totally

Angela: *nods* Totally

Hawkfrost: *stares at them with an expression that says "really?"* And I thought Emo Chick here was stupid.

Bella: Um, I don't know. I'm gonna have to ask my sheriff dad… He's the sheriff.

Hawkfrost: *groans* WOULD SOMEONE END MY MISERY! I ALREADY WAS A TEENAGER AND I HATED IT!

Bella: You guys should like, like, work on your public speaking… I can teach you to like, speak more good.

Hawkfrost: *groans*

Jessica: Totally

Bella: You should like chew your lower lip… like, like… you should like… suddenly notice your hair, and you can like… start a sentence and then like bail… and you can like, like not like look at the audience like you like stare at the floor like… you like…

Angela: That's like totally good

Jessica: Totally

Bella: I should like, make like a video on like how to like speak like… more good.

Hawkfrost: *yowls in pain*

Narrator: *chuckles, causing the ground to shake* Oh, Hawkfrost! You are such a card.

Hawkfrost: *hisses at the sky* YOU LEAVE ME ALONE, ASHFUR!

Jessica: Oh my God a talking cat… *walks over to him* I wanna rescue you, do you want me to rescue you?

Hawkfrost: *hisses* WHY THE DARK FOREST ARE THERE SO MANY TEENAGE GIRLS IN THESE BOOKS?! IT'S LIKE THE PLAGUE!

Bella: Get away from my kitty!

Jessica: Is he like totally like you kitty?

Bella: Yep. His name is Mr. Fluffyface.

Jessica: Oh my God, that is so adorable. Can him from you?

Hawkfrost: *looks up at Bella* I never thought I'd say this, but don't let me go with her! *hugs Bella's leg*

Bella: No, he's like my like my like best friend.

Hawkfrost: *kisses her shoe* THANK YOU! THANK YOU!

Jessica: *flips hair* So do you like totally like wanna to Port Angeles? We're gonna like totally look for prom dresses

Angela: Yeah, I heard that Mike was like totally gonna like ask you out.

Jessica: No he's totally not! Mike is like totally my boyfriend!

Bella: I don't like Mike anyway.

Hawkfrost: Thank God! Some sanity!

Angela: You like that Edward Cullen, though right?

Jessica: Totally.

Bella: I don't know… I'm like not going to prom anyway, so like… I was just gonna get this one book.

Hawkfrost: *stares up at Bella with wide eyes* The thing READS?!

Jessica: Like whateve.

Angela: Totally whateve.

Hawkfrost: Again, dear reader, I ask: why me?!

* * *

:D Hoped you like. My perception of most teenage girls that are not me. XD


	6. Bookstore and Creeptacular Dudes

*at Port Angeles*

*Angela and Jessica are trying on dresses, Bella is reading and Hawkfrost is trying to kill himself again, but finds out that he is immortal*

Hawkfrost: *keeps trying to stab himself with his claws* WHY. WON'T. I. DIE?!

Narrator: *chuckles, once more causing the ground to shake* Oh, Hawkfrost! When will you realize that until this story is over, you are immortal.

Hawkfrost: *growls* When I died and StarClan told me I would have to go through eternal suffering, I never thought it would be like this! This is crude and unusual punishment!

Angela: *stares Hawkfrost* Bella your talking cat is totally like, like totally having like a conversation with the roof, ceiling thingy.

Bella: Yeah, he does that a lot. I think he must like have like some like issues.

Jessica: Maybe you should take him to like a cat whisperer or something like that one movie but totally like with like the horses.

*A group of guys walk the window and Hawkfrost jumps toward the glass*

Hawkfrost: SAVE—*hits glass and begins to slide down slowly*

Bella: *giggles* Silly Mr. Fluffyface. It's a window.

Angela: Bella, didn't you like, like totally like wanna get like a book?

Bella: Oh yeah! I totally forgot *gets up*

Jessica: Totally

Hawkfrost: *thinks hard* _Hmm…. The stupid stereotypical teenage girls, or Emo Chick? Emo Chick._ *runs after Bella*

*at the bookstore*

Hawkfrost: *groans* What EXACTLY are you looking for?

Bella: I'm looking like for this book on guys with sparkly abs.

Hawkfrost: *rolls eyes* Again, I must resist the urge to kill myself because it's no good.

Bella: There it is! *picks out a book* Come on Mr. Fluffyface, let's by this book and leave so we can get stalked by a bunch of drunk guys and be saved by that kitty hater!

Hawkfrost: Wow, plot spoiler, much?

Bella: *pays for the book and walks out* Come ON Mr. Fluffyface!

Hawkfrost: *follows Bella out the door and to a parking lot* FOR THE BILLIONTH TIME! MY NAME IS HAWKFROST! SAY IT WITH ME! HAWK! FROST! NOT MR. FLUFFY FACE, LORD POOFYRUMP OR ANY OTHER DISGUSTING, USELESS KITTYPET NAME YOU MAKE UP YOU INARTICULATE, INCREDIBLY STUPID, LOW IQ TEENAGE GIRL! I AM A RIVERCLAN WARRIOR AND I—*cuts off as a group of guys walks up to them*

Guy 1: Hey, sugar, nice cat you've got there.

Bella: *backs up* Lord Poofyrump, I'm scared.

Hawkfrost: *groans* I give up…

Guy 2: Wanna have some fun, girl?

Hawkfrost: Are you listening to them Emo? Huh? Listen to them! They are talking about FUN! Go have some fun and leave me the heck out of it!

*The guys close in around them and suddenly a silver Volvo peels into the parking lot*

Bella: *gasps* Lord Poofyrump, look! It's NewShinyVolvoOwner!

Hawkfrost: *rolls eyes and face paws* No, you . It's kitty hate—I mean Edward Cullet—Cullen.

Edward: *jumps out of the car* Bella get in the car!

Hawkfrost: *brightens up* You're taking her away from me?! YES! THANK YOU!

Bella: *gets in the car*

Hawkfrost: *finds himself being dragged in by some invisible force* HEY!

Narrator: You're not getting it out of it, THAT easily, Hawky.

Bella: *squeals* Mr. Fluffyface! You came back! You must really love me. *hugs Hawkfrost*

Hawkfrost: *hisses* LET GO OF ME! IT BURNS! *scratches Bella's arm*

Edward: *gets in the car after chasing the guys off and smells the blood. He freezes* What… what is that smell?

Bella: *shoves her arm in Edward's face* EDWARD MR. FLUFFYFACE SCRATCHED ME!

Hawkfrost: Do it, Edward! Do it! Kill her! Kill her NOW!"

Edward: *stares at the blood, then holds his breath* No…

Hawkfrost: *swears*

Bella: *gasps* That's mean! What did the person who taught you how to speak teach you?

Hawkfrost: *groans*

* * *

The first part was so short, so I added another.


	7. Vegetarians? HARDLY!

*In the Car*

Edward: *takes a deep breath* I should go back there and rip those guys' heads off!

Bella: *stares at him dreamily, almost drooling* Maybe you should… It'd be so hot.

Hawkfrost: Ugh.

Edward: *reaches toward the thermostat* You cold?

Bella: *reaches toward it too and touched his hand. Gasps* Oh my gawd! You're so cold!

Hawkfrost: No fox-dung, Sherlock. He's a vampire!

Edward: *hits Hawkfrost* Um, spoiler alert!

Bella: *stares at Edward* What? Vampire?

Edward: *hits Bella on the head with a random frying pan that was somehow strangely on the floor of his car….*

Hawkfrost: *hisses* What are you… Wait, are you gonna throw her off a bridge?! Can I watch?! *smiles creepily*

Edward: *shakes his head* No… I'm taking her to Carlisle…

Me: *randomly poofs into the story* YOU'RE GONNA SEE CARLISLE, OH MY GOSH, CAN I COME?! *jumps up and down in the backseat like the crazy fan girl that I am*

Edward: *growls* No! *smacks Me so I poof away*

Hawkfrost: *annoyed* Who in the name of StarClan is Carlisle?!

Edward: My creator… and my father.

Hawkfrost: OH DEAR GOD MAN! THAT—Wait, your father? Oh, well THAT'S not dramatic at all. And here I thought we were gonna meet a villain.

Edward: *groans* Just be quiet until we get to my house.

Bella: *groans* Edward… touch me…

Hawkfrost: O.O

Edward: *hits Bella with the frying pan again*

Hawkfrost: Thank you…

* * *

*At the Cullen House*

Edward: *carries Bella inside*

Hawkfrost *bounds after him* Hey, wait up!

Edward: *stops* Wait, Hawkfrost… Maybe you shouldn't come in. My family… they… Well I don't think it will be easy for them to be around you…

Hawkfrost: Why?

Edward: *sighs* My family… we don't hunt humans. We… we hunt animals and drink their blood… So they'll probably attack you.

Hawkfrost: Why the StarClan would you do that? We're fluffy and cute… I can't believe I said that… but why don't you just let them eat Bella? No one likes her.

Edward: *sighs* I love her.

Hawkfrost: *throws up hairball*

Jasper: *runs out of the house in only his underpants* I SMELL KITTY!

Alice: *runs after Jasper* Honey! Put pants on!

Hawkfrost: *hisses as Jasper approaches him* Get away from me you creeper! Edward, tell your brother to stop!

Edward: *lets out unamused laugh* Wow, that's racist. We're not all "brothers" okay?

Jasper: *stops and looks at Bella* HUMAN!

Emmett: *comes out groaning and swearing* Not again, Jasper! Really, in the unmentionables?

*Rosalie, Carlisle and Esme also come out of the house and watch Jasper run around Edward and Bella in his underwear screaming*

Alice: *growls and grabs Jasper's arm* JASPER HALE, YOU ARE EMBARRASSING ME! *slaps*

Jasper: *whimpers like a puppy*

Carlisle: *comes down the stairs at vampire speed and goes up to Bella and Edward*

Hawkfrost: *hisses at Carlisle's speed* It's a demon!

Esme: *runs over and grabs her husband's arm* No!

Me: *poofs in again and slaps Hawkfrost with a dead fish* CARLISLE IS NOT A DEMON YOU MONSTER!

Hawkfrost: *whimpers*

Me: *turns and stares at Carlisle until she begins to drool*

Esme: *glares at Me* Stop staring!

Me: *growls* DIE! *lunges at Esme*

Carlisle: *ignores the two women fighting over him cuz he's cool like that and talks to Edward* What's wrong with her?

Hawkfrost: He hit her with a frying pan!

Carlisle: *looks at Hawkfrost and his eyes go black* There's… a cat with you…

Edward: *grabs Carlisle's shoulder* He's Bella's… Just leave him out of it.

Carlisle: *sighs and looks at Bella* So why did you hit her with a frying pan?

Edward: *growls* Because Mr. Spoilerface told her that I was a vampire!

All Concerned Even Esme and Me Who Are Wrestling On The Groung Biting and Clawing At Each Other: *GASP!*

Hawkfrost: *glares at Edward* It's Mr. Fluffy—I mean Lord Poofy—I MEAN HAWKFROST!

Jasper: *stares at Hawkfrost* Kitty….

Emmett: *walks up and grabs Jasper* Sorry, cat. *carries Jasper back inside the house.

Alice: *follows* Emmett, don't hurt him!

Rosalie: *rolls eyes* Does anyone care how much trouble they're causing?! The cat is making Jasper insane and spoiled more than half of the first book in three words, Bella is also driving Jasper insane and her scent is burning our throats, and somehow this crazy cat has brought this Carlisle-crazed fan girl here who is trying to kill Esme!

Carlisle: *looks over his shoulder at Me and Esme fighting* Would you please let go of my wife?

Me: *lets go of Esme who she had in a headlock* Aww…. But I was winning. *poofs away in defeat*

Carlisle: *sighs* Bring her inside Edward… Esme, darling would you get the cat?

Esme: *shakes her head* I think I'm too thirsty Carlisle…

Carlisle: Rosalie?

Rosalie: *growls* FINE! *picks up Hawkfrost by the scruff of his neck and carries him inside the house, following Edward*

Hawkfrost: Ouch! Hey, you could try to be gentle, Blondie!

Rosalie: *growls* My name is Rosalie.

Hawkfrost: Whatever! Just put me down! I swear, I will kill Ashfur for this!

Rosalie: *scoffs* What do you know about killing?

Hawkfrost: You'd be surprised Blondie. I almost killed Firestar! I almost did! If only it weren't for Brambleclaw and that StarClan-darned stake!

Rosalie: *rolls her eyes and drops him on the couch* Sit down, and shut up, will you.

Hawkfrost: Harsh…

Emmett: *enters* Alice and Jasper are in his room. She's trying to get pants on him… When I left he was talking nonsense about cereal and the Civil War….

Rosalie: *sighs* He never has been the same since the Volturi came…

Hawkfrost: Volterro?

Rosalie: *rolls her eyes* Volturi.

Hawkfrost: Gazoontite.

Rosalie: Shut up…

Hawkfrost: *glowers*

Carlisle: *enters with Edward and Bella, who is awake* Bella knows thanks to what Mr. Fluffyface told her.

Hawkfrost: *yowls* MY NAME IS HAWKFROST GOSH DARNIT!

Edward: *ignores* And she is confined to the house for tonight. She called her dad and he thinks that she is sleeping over at a friend's house.

Rosalie: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Why is she staying here?

Carlisle: There is a group of rogues in the area… We fear that they will smell her and—*cuts off as three vampires appear in the doorway*

Hawkfrost: *gasps* Oh no! It's like one of those multicultural gangs like in Family Guy!

Edward: No! It's the rogues! James, Victoria, and Laurent!

Hawkfrost; Laur-what?!

Rosalie: HIDE!

James: *breaks window open with fist*

* * *

Longer one! :D


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